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# Chapter 135: A Hand Crossing the River
Dohyun’s reply came immediately.
“lol what are you doing? you’re acting weird sis.”
Saea picked up her phone and set it down repeatedly. On a bench in Hangang Park. 8:47 PM. The lights across the river wavered on the water’s surface, as if someone were flickering a candle with their fingertip. The rhythm of that trembling was uneven. Like Kang Riou’s fingers.
Saea began typing. Deleted it. Started again. Deleted it.
She finally sent the message.
“Can we meet tomorrow evening?”
Dohyun’s reply came back.
“Why? Something wrong?”
“Just want to see you. Let’s grab dinner.”
A long silence followed. Saea held her phone, waiting until the screen went dark. When it lit up again, Dohyun’s message was there.
“Got it. Tomorrow at 7, Hongdae Station entrance.”
Saea didn’t reply. Instead, she set her phone down and looked at the river. The Han River looked cold even on a summer night. Like her body. Like her heart.
After leaving Kang Riou’s hospital room, time moved strangely for Saea. Of course, time always moved. The second hand ticked, the minute hand advanced, the hour hand progressed. But the texture of that time had changed. Like swimming underwater. Every movement slowed, every sense dulled.
Haeneul noticed.
At the gukbap restaurant, and after.
“You’re acting strange. Really,” Haeneul said when she visited Saea’s goshiwon. It was 9:20 PM. Saea realized Haeneul had come without being called. She’d probably asked someone at the convenience store near Hapjeong Station, or checked Saea’s Kakao location history. Haeneul was that kind of friend. When necessary, she ignored boundaries.
“What’s strange about me?” Saea asked, sitting on her bed. Her goshiwon was small. A bed, a desk, a closet. That was everything. Haeneul sat in the desk chair.
“Your hands are shaking. Every three seconds.”
“They’re not.”
“Yes, they are. I’m watching.”
Haeneul brought her hand over Saea’s. And waited. Exactly three seconds. Then Saea’s fingers trembled slightly.
“What is this?”
Haeneul asked. “Did you catch Berlin too? Did you catch that finger-shaking disease?”
“No. It’s just…”
Saea stopped talking. She didn’t know what she was trying to say. That her fingers were shaking. What that meant. Or whether she also wanted to do something like Kang Riou, but was stopping herself.
“You’re not in your right mind right now,” Haeneul said. Diagnostic.
“Yeah.”
Saea admitted it. It wasn’t a lie.
Haeneul lay down on the bed. Beside Saea. She looked at the ceiling. Saea’s goshiwon ceiling had small mold stains. Like a map. Like some country’s map. Haeneul was looking at it.
“What did Kang Riou say to you?” Haeneul asked, eyes still on the ceiling.
“To wait until the verdict comes down,” Saea lied.
It wasn’t what Kang Riou had said. What Kang Riou said was more complicated. More tangled. More dangerous.
“But you can’t wait,” Haeneul said. With certainty. “You’re scared he’s going to die right now. And that fear is pushing you to do something.”
Saea didn’t answer. Because Haeneul was exactly right.
“He used you, right?”
Haeneul continued.
“Yeah.”
“And he’s still doing it. Using your sympathy. Using your sense of responsibility. Using your love. All of it.”
“Yeah.”
“Then why do you keep taking his side?”
Haeneul took her eyes off the ceiling and looked at Saea.
Saea was silent. That was the answer.
The next day. 4:25 PM.
Saea left her goshiwon. To go to Hongdae Station. To meet Dohyun. But on that path, Saea realized she had stopped moving.
Near Hapjeong Station. In front of the convenience store. Saea went inside. She could see the table where she worked at night. Someone else was standing there now. A woman. Probably around 19. A new employee. The person who replaced Saea.
Saea left the convenience store.
And walked. Toward the river. The bridges over the water came into view. There were several of them. They all had the same purpose. To cross from this side to that side. To cross the river.
Saea walked toward the nearest bridge. Since the day Haeneul visited her, Saea hadn’t walked across that bridge. It was the place where her tragedy with Kang Riou had happened. Four months ago. When Kang Riou put them in the car and drove onto that bridge.
But it was daytime now. 5 PM. Sunlight still shone on the river. And there were many people. Joggers, cyclists, tourists taking photos. Saea walked among them.
On the bridge, Saea looked at her hands. They were trembling. Exactly every three seconds.
It’s a matter of willpower.
Words she’d said at the gukbap restaurant. They came back to her now. That she wanted to do something but was stopping herself. That she wanted to do something but thought she had no right to.
Saea placed her hand on the bridge railing. Cold metal. Below was the river. The river Kang Riou had tried to drive them into.
Then someone grabbed Saea’s arm.
“Sis!”
It was Dohyun. He’d run over. At full speed. Breathing hard.
Saea was startled. She’d forgotten for a moment that she was supposed to meet Dohyun at Hongdae Station.
“What are you doing?” Dohyun asked. His voice was shaking.
“Just… taking a walk,” Saea said. Lying.
“That’s a lie. You always make that face on bridges. I know.” Dohyun said. And he covered Saea’s hand with his own. A warm hand. A young hand. A steady hand.
“Dohyun, what are you doing?” Saea asked.
“I was heading to hagwon and kept thinking about you. So I came,” Dohyun said.
“What about hagwon?” Saea asked.
“I skipped it.”
“What?”
“Just. Seeing you was more important than hagwon.”
Dohyun said. And he gripped Saea’s hand tightly. “Get down from the bridge. Please.”
Saea felt Dohyun’s hand. Warmth. Responsibility. And a small despair. The despair she’d given him.
“Okay. I’ll come down,” Saea said.
They came down from the bridge. Together. Holding hands.
A small cafe near Hongdae Station entrance. 6:15 PM.
Saea and Dohyun were sitting down. Saea ordered an Americano. Knowing she wouldn’t drink it. Dohyun ordered a chocolate drink. The most childish choice.
“Sis. Are you really okay?” Dohyun asked.
“Yeah.”
“Don’t lie.”
Dohyun said. “What have you been doing for the past eight months? Really. I didn’t know what you were doing. You said you were going to the convenience store, but you went to lots of other places. I checked your Kakao location history. Hospitals, police stations, courts, the river. The river all the time.”
Saea didn’t answer.
“And even now. You keep wanting to see the river, wanting to walk on that bridge, and you keep stopping on that bridge. Why? Because of him?”
Dohyun asked.
“Yeah,” Saea admitted.
“What is he to you?” Dohyun asked. His question was simple. But heavy.
“I don’t know,” Saea said. And she looked at her hands. They weren’t trembling anymore. Because they were in contact with Dohyun’s hands.
“The verdict is in three days, right?” Dohyun asked.
“Yeah.”
“What are you going to do after that?”
“I don’t know,” Saea said. The same words.
Dohyun took a sip of his drink. One sip. And looked at Saea.
“Sis. Can you listen to something I’ve been thinking about?” Dohyun asked.
“Yeah.”
“I keep thinking about how mom was a haenyeo. How she goes down into the deep water and holds her breath and brings things up. That work.”
Dohyun said.
“Yeah.”
“But what I’m thinking is, when mom is in the water, there’s something scary. The oxygen running out. So mom has to come back up within a set time. Or she dies. But you seem like you keep wanting to stay in the water. Not come back up.”
Dohyun said.
Saea heard those words. And she picked up her Americano. Not to drink it. Just because her hands needed something to do.
“Do you like him?” Dohyun asked directly.
“I don’t know,” Saea answered.
“Then stop. Don’t keep staying in the water when you don’t know why. Come back up. Please. For my sake.”
Dohyun said. His voice was trembling. Like Saea’s fingers. A trembling from the struggle of will.
Saea looked at Dohyun. Her younger brother. Her 17-year-old younger brother. The brother she’d tried to support. The brother she’d sacrificed everything for. And that brother was telling her to come back up.
“Okay,” Saea said.
“Really?” Dohyun asked. Doubtfully.
“Yeah. When the verdict comes down, I won’t… think about him anymore.”
Saea said. And she realized what she’d just promised.
Dohyun took Saea’s hand again.
“Thank you,” Dohyun said.
They sat like that. In the cafe. Holding hands. In silence.
10 PM. On the way back to the goshiwon.
A message came to Saea’s phone. From Kang Riou.
“Could you not visit me until the verdict comes down?”
Saea replied.
“Understood.”
No more messages came after that.
The streets near Hapjeong Station at night. People flowing past. Seoul at 10 PM. Evening was ending. Tomorrow was beginning. And the day after tomorrow was the verdict.
Saea entered the goshiwon. She climbed the stairs. Third floor. Her room. She unlocked the door.
And lay down on the bed.
She looked at the mold stains on the ceiling. Like a map. Like some country’s map. Saea thought while looking at it.
Coming up from the water.
Keeping her fingers from trembling.
Stopping the struggle of will.
And slowly, very slowly, Saea’s fingers stopped trembling.
Next Chapter: Verdict Day