Chapter 24: Carrying the Beautiful

이 포스팅은 쿠팡 파트너스 활동의 일환으로, 이에 따른 일정액의 수수료를 제공받습니다.

Prev24 / 67Next

It started because of the rain.

August in Seoul had been doing what August did—the relentless heat broken in the afternoons by storms that arrived without warning and departed equally without comment, leaving the city briefly cooler and smelling of something that was not quite clean but was not dirty either, the specific smell of urban streets receiving water.

On a Thursday afternoon in the third week of August, the rain arrived at two o’clock and did not stop.

Dongshik was home—a rare full day, the pre-production period between projects, which came three or four times a year and which had the specific quality of a man present in his own house without the usual forward momentum of rehearsal and performance. He occupied these periods with reading, with the scripts he was developing opinions about, with the particular restlessness of a person in motion learning to be still.

Woojin was at the kitchen table. The chapter book from July, which he had finished, replaced by a different one—a story about a boy who discovered a hidden room in his school, which he was reading at a pace calibrated for public appropriateness.

The rain on the window.

Dongshik came into the kitchen for water, looked at his son, looked at the rain.

Woo-jin-ah.

Eo-yo.” (Yes.)

Na-ran-de—” He stopped. Drank some water. Started again. “Hae-bwa-seo-i-reul hayeo do deol-kka?” (Would you like to try something with me?)

He looked up.

Dongshik had his glass and his restlessness and the specific expression he wore when he had been thinking about something for a while and had decided the time for thinking was over.

Mweo-yo?” (What is it?)

Dae-sa.” (Lines.) He set down the glass. “Geu-nyeong—geu-nyeong hae-bwa. Appa-ga jom ga-reu-chyeo-jul-ge.” (Just—just try it. Appa will teach you a little.)

The rain continued on the window.

He put the book down.


They moved to the living room—the apartment’s performance space by default, the floor he had been practicing on since he was four, the room that had held a thousand of his father’s rehearsals.

Dongshik sat on the floor. He had a small script—not one of Minhyuk’s, something different, something Woojin did not recognize. A few pages, printed, the text double-spaced with wide margins.

I geo—” Dongshik held it up. “I-geo-neun gu-geo-ya. I-geo-ri-reul hae-bwa.” (This is—this is just for practice. Try this.) He handed it to Woojin.

Woojin looked at it.

The text was a short piece—a child’s monologue, apparently, or something written to resemble one. Three paragraphs. A child standing in a market, describing what they see. No dramatic stakes. No transformation. Simply: a child, a market, what the child notices.

He wrote this, Woojin understood immediately. The double-spacing and the specific font and the printer’s slight ink unevenness—this was printed this morning. He wrote this for this afternoon.

The recognition moved through him with a specific warmth. Not surprise—nothing his father did was entirely surprising—but the specific warmth of receiving something made for you.

Appa ga sseoss-eo-yo?” (Did appa write this?)

A pause. “Eong.” (Yeah.) The slightly embarrassed eong of someone who had not expected to be caught.

Wae-yo?” (Why?)

Neo-han-te ma-neun-geo-ro sseo-bwa-sseo. Geu-nyeong.” (I wrote it to fit you. Just.) He picked up his own copy—he had printed two. “Ik-eo-bwa. Geulaen-da-eum uri gat-i hae-bwa.” (Read it. Then we’ll do it together.)

He read it.

The market in the text was Mangwon market—unnamed, but recognizable by the stall sequence and the specific detail of the persimmons appearing first in September. The child in the text was six or seven. The observations were precise: the fish stall woman’s hands, the way the grain stall ajumma folded the top of the bag, the smell of the tofu stall in summer heat.

He has been watching me watch the market for six years, Woojin realized. He has been watching what I watch. And he wrote it down.

He looked up.

Goen-an-a-yo,” he said. (It’s good.) Then, more precisely: “I geo—jeo-geo-ye-yo.” (This—this is real.) The word for actual, true-to-life. Not fictional.

Bwatt-eo?” (Did you see?) Dongshik, with the slightly pleased tone of a writer who has been recognized.

Gim Bok-nam ssi-ga iss-eo-yo.” (Kim Boknam is there.) The fish stall woman.

I-reum-eun an sseo-sseo.” (I didn’t write her name.)

Son-i iss-eo-yo. Son-to-ri ga neo-mu tteol-lyeo-seo.” (Her hands are there. The way her knuckles are so rough.) The specific detail in the text—손마디가 굵어서 생선을 잡을 때마다 관절이 하얗게 된다. (Her knuckles were thick and went white whenever she gripped a fish.)

Neo-ga bwass-eu-ni-kka. ” (Because you saw it.) Dongshik said. I wrote what you would have seen. Then, before the conversation could continue in the direction of what this meant about his knowledge of his son: “Hae-bwa. Da-si ik-o-bwa.” (Do it. Read it again.)


The lesson—if it was a lesson, the word felt too formal for what was happening on the living room floor—had a structure Woojin had not expected.

Not: stand here, say the line, now say it differently.

Instead: “Gong-yeon-jang-i eob-da-go saeng-gak-hae,” Dongshik said first. (Pretend there’s no theater.) He was sitting cross-legged across the room, the copy in his lap, making no indication that he was about to evaluate. “Gong-yeon-jang-do eob-go cheong-jung-do eob-go. Neo-man iss-eo. Geu sigang-e iss-eo. Geu-geo-man iss-eo.” (No theater, no audience. Just you. In that moment. Only that.)

Woojin looked at the text.

Then he set it down. He had it in him—three readings, all in. He always had it in him after three.

Gong-yeon-jang-i eop-neun-de—dae-sa-neun wae hae-yo?” he asked. (If there’s no theater—why say the lines?)

Dongshik looked at him.

Wae geu-ryeo-ko?” (Why do you ask?)

Dae-sa-ga cheong-jung-ul-wi-han geo-ra-myeon—” (If lines are for an audience—) He stopped. Reformulated. “Dae-sa-ga cheong-jung-i iss-eul ddae-man tteut-i iss-da-myeon, cheong-jung-i eobs-eul ddae-neun geu-geol ha-neun ge mu-seum-tteut-i-e-yo?” (If lines only have meaning when there’s an audience, what’s the meaning of doing it when there isn’t one?)

A pause.

Dongshik looked at his son with the look—the one that meant: I was not prepared for this question and I need a moment.

Geu-ge—” He stopped. Started again. “Geu-ge—jeo-do saeng-gak-hae bwa-sseo. O-rae-dong-an.” (That—I’ve thought about that too. For a long time.) He rested his arms on his knees. The floor posture for serious things. “Appa saeng-gak-eun—cheong-jung-i eobs-eo-do tteut-i iss-eo. Dae-sa-ga ji-ha-neun-ge a-ni-ya. Geu geo-reul ha-neun sa-ram-i ji-ha-ne-ya.” (Appa thinks—even without an audience, there’s meaning. The lines don’t carry it. The person doing it does.)

Geu-reom cheong-jung-i wae-yo?” (Then why have an audience?)

Cheong-jung-i iss-eu-myeon—” He thought about it carefully. “Cheong-jung-i iss-eu-myeon, neo-ga ji-ha-neun geo-ga ga-ya hal go-se ga-yo. Cheong-jung-i neol ban-a.” (When there’s an audience—what you carry goes somewhere. The audience receives you.) A pause. “Geu ge—neol wan-seong-si-kyeo-yo. Cheong-jung-i.” (That completes you. The audience.)

Wan-seong-e ne-ga pi-lyo-hae-yo?” (Do you need someone else to be complete?)

Dongshik looked at his son for a long moment.

Deo a-peun jil-mun-i-ne,” he said. (That’s a harder question.) He said it without deflecting—the honest acknowledgment that a question had arrived at a real difficulty. “Appa-neun—geu-geo mo-reu-ge-sseo. Wan-seong-eul chajneun gwa-jeong-e cheong-jung-i pil-yo-han geo gateun-de—geu game-ne cheong-jung-i op-seo-do jo-eun hae-ya han-da-neun geun yo. Mo-sun-i-ya.” (Appa doesn’t know. It seems like you need an audience to find completion—but also it should be okay without the audience. That’s a contradiction.)

Duel da mat-ne-yo,” Woojin said. (Both are true.)

Dongshik looked at his son.

Duel da?” (Both?)

Cheong-jung-i eobs-eo-do mo-e-seo do-nae-ya hae-yo. Geulaen-de cheong-jung-i iss-eu-myeon—ga-yo. Eo-di-ga-neun-ji. I geo-ya.” (You have to do it even without an audience. But when there is an audience—it goes. Somewhere. That’s what it is.) He looked at the text on the floor. The market. Kim Boknam’s hands. The persimmons.Cheong-jung-i iss-eul ddae han-ga-ji ga da jom-pi-ge-yo. Geulaen-de ga-ya hal go-seun iss-eo-yo. Cheong-jung-i eobs-eo-do.” (Things go more places with an audience. But there’s somewhere it has to go. Even without an audience.)

Silence.

The rain was still at the window.

Dongshik looked at the text on the floor. At his son. At the text.

Eo-di-seo geu-geo a-latt-seo?” (Where did you learn that?)

A-pa-teu-eseo. ” (In the apartment.) Simple. True.

Yeon-seup hae-sseo?” (You practiced?)

Eum.” (Yeah.)

Hol-lo?” (Alone?)

Eum.

Another silence. Longer.

Eol-ma-na orae?” (How long?)

Du-se sal bu-teo.” (Since I was two or three.) He said it simply, as if this were ordinary, which—for him—it was.

Dongshik sat with this for a moment. Then: “Appa han-tae mal an haesseo?” (You didn’t tell appa?)

Appa-ga ga-reu-chyeo-jwo-ya hal geot gat-ji a-na-sseo-yo.” (I didn’t think appa needed to teach me yet.) Not I wanted to keep it secretthe time for teaching hadn’t come yet. The distinction was Woojin’s, and it was precise, and Dongshik heard it.

Geu-reo-myeon ji-geum-eun?” (And now?)

Ji-geum-eun—appa-ga ga-reu-chyeo-dwe-yo.” (Now—appa can teach me.) He looked at his father. The rain. The living room. The text written for him on the floor.Ji-geum-eun te-ga dwae-sseo-yo.” (Now the time has come.)


The lesson—the word no longer felt too formal—lasted until the rain stopped at five-thirty.

Dongshik taught the way he read plays: without imposing a predetermined interpretation, asking questions that opened rather than closed. Not say it this way, but what is the child seeing first? Not louder here, but where does the child’s attention go when the persimmons appear?

He had not been taught like this. His training in the previous life had been systematic—a conservatory curriculum, master classes, the structured pedagogy of institutional acting education. He had been taught well. He had learned well.

This was different.

Not better or worse—different in the way that rain was different from a tap: both water, different in their origin and their quality and what they did to you.

Kim Bok-nam ssi son-i—” Dongshik said, in the middle of the third pass through the market text, “—geu go-se-seo neo-neun mweo-reul bwa?” (At the part about Kim Boknam’s hands—what do you see there?)

He held the question. Not performed holding—genuine. What did he see?

Il,” he said. (Work.) Then: “Son-i geu geo-ya. Il-han ge.” (The hands are that. They worked.) The hands that had been gripping fish for forty years or however many years it had been—the accumulated labor visible in the knuckle texture, the roughness, the whitening under pressure. The hands are the work, visible. When you look at them you see the work that made them.

Geu-geo mui-ya?” (What is that?)

A-reum-da-wo-yo.” (It’s beautiful.) He said it the way he had thought it every time he received the fishcake: not the beauty of a young body or a symmetrical face but the beauty of a thing that had been used fully, that had become itself through use.

Dongshik looked at him.

Geu-go-ya,” he said, quietly. (That’s it.) That’s the thing the child in the text is seeing.Geu-rae-seo geu go-se-seo—” He pointed at the relevant passage. “Geu go-seo-seo dae-sa-reul ha-myeon—” (So at that part of the text—when you say the line—) “A-reum-da-um-eul ga-jyeo.” (Carry the beautiful.)

Not perform the beautifulcarry the beautiful. The distinction was everything. He had been learning it since he was four in the apartment alone.

Ne,” he said.

He said the line. Carrying the beautiful.

The room received it.

Dongshik did not speak for a moment.

Geu-go-ya,” he said again. Quieter this time. That’s it. The acknowledgment of something that had arrived correctly—not evaluated, simply recognized.


When Sooa came home at six, she found the two of them on the living room floor with the printed pages between them and the rain gone and the summer evening light coming through the window that had been grey all afternoon and was now the particular gold of a sky clearing after rain.

She stood in the doorway.

Neither of them had heard her come in.

Dongshik was saying something about the second paragraph—the grain stall, the way the ajumma folded the bag—and Woojin was listening with the complete attention he brought to things he was actually learning, not managing but taking in.

She stood and looked at them for a moment.

Then she went to the kitchen and started dinner, and the sound of her in the kitchen came through the apartment in the way it always did—the comfortable rhythm of the apartment’s evening beginning—and Dongshik looked up and said “o-sseo?” (you’re home?) without raising his voice because she was close enough not to need it, and she said “eung” back, and they were all in the apartment together, and the rain had stopped.

Dal-lo hajja,” Woojin said to the text, to the afternoon, to the lesson they had just had. Let’s do it again. Not because he needed it—he had the text, he had the lesson, he had the thing Dongshik had given him. Because the working was good. Because the room was right. Because Sooa was in the kitchen and the evening was gold and the text on the floor was one his father had written for him and there was no better reason than that to do it again.

Dongshik looked at the kitchen doorway. At his son.

Geulja,” he said. (Yeah.) Let’s.

He picked up his copy.

They did it again.

In the kitchen, Sooa was making something that smelled of sesame and green onion, the smell of a meal being made by someone who knew what she was doing, and the evening came in through the windows that were still wet from the rain, and outside the neighborhood was doing its ordinary work in the post-rain light, and inside the apartment everything was—

Ordinary.

Exactly, completely, precisely ordinary.

And ordinary was—

He said the line about Kim Boknam’s hands.

The beautiful carried.

The room received it.

—the best thing I know.

24 / 67

Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Scroll to Top